I don’t want your smile to fade away!

The Way We Were
Picture by *mebilia

Dear my lovely mama,

Mama, I have so many things to share, so many things to say, so many things to ask. We always discuss until mid night, sometimes even until morning! Back then, we laughed together, discussed together and exchanged ideas together. Because we are what people call an “Outspoken” family, our voices are like shouting when we are actually talking. Like the olden days yeah. I miss that moment mama, really miss it.

But I know I can’t do that now. That is why I wrote this letter. I didn’t put any address as you can see…. because this is a letter from my heart, notes of my heart. No need for address. I believe whenever it is from my heart, Allah will open the doors for you to read this letter ^_^

Mama, do you still remember the argument we had a few years back? The argument on Surah al-Isra’ verse 23 – 24. Allah says in the verse:

“Your Lord has ordained that you shall worship none but Him, and that you must be kind to your parents. Should one of them, or both, attain to old age in your care, never say ‘Ugh’ to them or chide them, but always speak gently and kindly to them,” (23)

“and spread over them humbly the wings of your tenderness, and say, ‘My Lord, bestow on them Your grace, even as they reared and nurtured me when I was a child.’ “(24)

I was against your idea, remember? Now I feel bad about it. My argument was, it was not based on scholarly reliable sources, it was from my mind and feelings which is null and void. I said that this verse was only applicable when nothing bad happens. Whenever parents have committed wrong, children can “do what it takes” to straighten a crocked iron bar. I know that an iron bar is very hard to bend and the possibility for it to break is very high. I was wrong at that time and I didn’t even gave you chance to reply back. Yeah. I was a bad boy at that time. Now I admit that I’m wrong. I’m wrong mama! I am wrong! Sorry!

Well now, after I’ve done some research by checking it on Fi Zila Lil Quran (In the Shade of the Quran) by The Martyr Sayyib Qutb and applying some of my knowledge in Arabic language. Sorry if I sound a bit academic, well after all we are in the same bachelor degree programme, so  you know what I know and l learnt what you’ve learnt hehe  ^^

It was my fault, my own ignorance. So now comes the real message of these verses that I couldn’t share that day.

Ok. For the first verse that is verse number 23, it can be divided into two parts.

The first, Allah starts off by saying “Your Lord has ordained that you shall worship none but Him”. Allah used the word “قَضَى” which means “ordained.” We are ordained to devote ourselves to Allah and no one else.[1]

The second part is, immediately after Allah ordains us to enslave ourselves to Him alone, He asks us to be good to our parents. Allah uses to word “إِحْسَـناً” is actually an exhortation[2] which if converted to verbal words; it should sound like this “you’d BETTER BE the best you could possibly be to your parents!”

If we screen through this verse, we will see as if one half is about Allah and the second half is about parents. But if we magnify into microscopic details, we will see that most of this verse is about parents.

On parents, first Allah says “you’d BETTER BE the best you could possibly be to your parents!”, second He says “one of them, or both, attain to old age in your care, never say ‘Ugh’ to them or chide them” third “but always speak gently and kindly to them.” Allah used the word “أفٍّ”; to my knowledge in Arabic the letter “فّ” is the softest and most tender letter of all! This means that we cannot even use “أُف”; which is the softest utterances to address them but use the gentlest speech to them! (Masya allah! I’ve messed up mama :( )

Three important things on parents, one after another but only one detail on Allah; this shows the gratitude of Allah on parents.

That is the end of verse 23. Going on to verse 24, Allah began by saying “and spread over them humbly the wings of your tenderness.” Allah used the word “جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ” which means “the wings of your tenderness”. We know we do not have wings but this is a form of imagery in the Quran. Wings here mean our “Ego”, we have wings and we are capable to inflict pain to our mother but we descend anyway. We let our “Ego” go away and position ourselves down on the ground. The only reason for us to lower our wings of ego is only because “مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ” or “Out of mercy”. “Out of mercy” here means three things at least, (1) our parent’s need our mercy, (2) they gave us mercy when we were small (3) If we want Allah to show us mercy then we ought to show mercy to our parents especially to mama!

You know mama, when I obtained this understanding, my heart went pumping hard. I feel so guilty, I feel so terrible after treating you so bad all these years. I feel like I will not enter Jannah because mama, I am afraid you haven’t forgiven my life! Seriously I feel bad.

Remember when I was 8, I had an argument with big brother, I was so pissed off that time, brother teased me until I was crying in anger. You came to me to calm me, you came to say that “Everything’s ok” but what I gave in return? I punched your chest out of anger! I was so confused; who is my kin and who is my enemy? I saw your face the moment I punched you, I know that the physical pain of an eight year old boy punching an adult strong women, but your facial expression at that time was like; your heart is burned to feel your own son punching you. The pain in your heart was unbearable. I was a kid but I was so ignorant! I want to say I’m sorry for that, but I do not know if you will forgive me….

I’m sorry again for the incident when you cooked us bean porridge. But all of your children said “yakss” because they were dead beetles in it. But even though we rejected your cook, you took out all the beetles and finish the porridge by yourself. What I was thinking? I was in no position to do that to you. I should have helped you finish the porridge. I’m sorry again mama!

Every morning after Subuh prayer, you will warn me not to sleep after Subuh. But I denied what you asked me to do. I ignored and just went to sleep. But you didn’t stop to advise me with gentle words. 

But I retorted! Mama, now I’m learning not to sleep! I’m sorry for sleeping after Subuh prayer!

I don’t know mama what to say, what to write. I’ve done so many bad things; I haven’t become a good boy. I’ve used phrases like “Shut up!”, “Shut your gum up!”. I’ve called you “An old hag”, I’ve used countless curse words. But you never cease to provide me money for my education, hear my problems even when you have your own and you never even forget to smile whenever you talk. 

You never stop to give me motivation. I can still remember your saying “The secrets of success in inspiration, aspiration and perspiration.”

I can still remember your smile. I still remember, you’re saying “Whenever you smile, I’ll smile”. Even though I didn’t smile, you kept on smiling. Your smile has suppressed my anger, your smile has made me stronger, and your smile has made taught me to smile forever.  You are a tough woman indeed.

Mama, I have a poem for you, please read with your heart ^_^:

I don’t want your smile to fade away!

I can still remember that smile,
“Whenever you smile, I’ll smile”

you said to me with a smile.

Even if I didn’t smile, you kept on smiling,
even if I detest you, you kept on smiling,
even if I mock you, you kept on smiling.

“Are you crazy?” My heart says,
“Are you not human?” My question for days,
after seeing my mother’s smile, “Well, I am amazed.”

Your smile has suppressed my anger,
your smile has made me stronger,
your smile has made taught me to smile forever.

Seeing her smile, I feel inspired,
smelling her cook, I feel delighted,
hearing her laugh, I feel moved.

But….When she left this world, I cried…

I cried my heart out,
I cried so loud,
I cried until my tears dried out.

Now… I’m crying without tears…

Because tears are nothing,
tears cannot change anything,
But I can change everything!

Now is not the time for me to cry,
but it is the moment for me to fly!
To fly up to the sky!

With her smile as a motivation!
I will grasp my vision!
I will complete my mission!

I will not make your smile fade away!
‘Coz your smile remains in my heart forever!

Mama, until this day, I’ve been homesick since the day you left this world. But I’ve never regard you as “My late mother”. You are still my mother and nothing can change that even death. That’s why I will never call you “My late mother”, but only “My mother”. I don’t care what other may say. You still live within me. Your motivation still remains making me strong.

Mama, I regret for not being the best to you. I regret for not using the best words. I regret for not treating you gently.

Mama, I want to promise to you that I will advise others to be the best to their mothers and don’t wait till she is gone to feel guilty. I want them to feel guilty now! I want them to be the best to their mothers! This is my promise mama.

Mama, I’ve never forget to pray to Allah to place you in the highest position in Jannah. I have never forgotten this dua’ each and every time after solah:

‘My Lord, bestow on them Your grace, even as they reared and nurtured me when I was a child.’

I know, I will never repay you, nurturing me until I became a human. I was so hopeless but you gave your hand to help me stand. But this is the least I could do to repay you through my Dua’ and using the knowledge you’ve taught me.

Mama, you know, I’m crying now. I haven’t cried for so long. Thanks mama for making me cry. My hardened heart has softened now.

I don’t know what to say more mama. You know, if I am given the chance to freeze time, I want that moment to be a moment with you, mama. You and no one else!

I love you so very much!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

From your second son,

‘Abdul Muhaimin Bin Misran.

Second year,

Bachelor of English Language and Literature (BENL)

International Islamic University Malaysia

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[1] In the Shade of the Quran, Sayyib Qutb, pg: 125

[2] 1. the act or process of exhorting, 2. a speech or written passage intended to persuade, inspire, or encourage